Punishment
by Scorpion24
Summary: An angsty conversation on the rooftop... a one shot with the potential of maybe a bit of fluff to follow.
1. Chapter 1

**Really random bit of writing here! I was watching some Spooks at the weekend and it got me thinking about how much is actually never said between the two characters. Their whole relationship is playing out through looks, slight actions and only the occasional spoken words, which is why, I think, it is so unique and captivating to watch!**

**I also love how this means that when you right conversations in fanfics, you just know that all the avid R&H fans out there will fill in the subtext and rest of the story themselves, because its just how the programme has allowed us to be able to read the characters so well **

**Anyway, random, sort of reasoning for writing this, out of the way… this is a conversation set about three weeks after Ruth returns from Cyprus. It was just one of those things that just sort of wrote itself! **

**Hope you enjoy…**

**Punishment**

She heard his footsteps crossing the rooftop before her and turned to leave.

"Ruth. Please. Don't leave."

"I have to… Goodnight Harry."

"Ruth, please. We need to talk."

"No. No we don't Harry. When has talking ever done us any good?"

"That may be so, but we can't go on like this. You can't avoid me forever. I mean do you really hate me that much?"

She stopped suddenly and spun around to face him. 

"Hate you? God, Harry! I wish I hated you! That would be far easier than…"

"Than what Ruth? Tell me. For God sake, tell me what is it you feel?"

"This isn't fair Harry."

"No, it's not fair. It's not fair on either of us! How long do you expect us to go on lying to one other? Lying to ourselves?"

"Oh, I don't know. I'd say we've done a pretty good job for the last nine years!"

"And look where that's got us!" He paused, regret immediately flooding his soft features. "Look, everything that's happened has been…George's death was... it was terrible, but you must know that he died for a good cause. He died to save thousands of others. He died an honourable man to the end. I'm sorry but…"

"Why?"

"Pardon?"

"Why are you sorry?"

"You only said what we both already know and we should never apologise for facts."

"And we should also face the facts, head on, but neither of us seem capable of doing that, do we?"

A suffocating silence hung between them

"Harry, this…thing… this isn't fact! This is just… stuff that every now and again makes are lives a little more complicated."

"That's really what you think this is? Stuff! You think I wake up in the middle of the night and imagine you lying next to me because of stuff? You think my heart beats painfully at the very sight of you because of stuff?"

"Yes, I think that's exactly what it is."

"You're lying."

"Maybe. But at least I'm facing up to the facts of the situation!"

They glared at each other, both on the brink of angry tears.

"Will you ever stop punishing me, Ruth? Will you ever even consider forgiveness?"

"Punishing you? Is that what you think this is?"

"Well, isn't it? I know you blame me for George's death and…" 

"Blame you? Harry, how could I possibly blame you? You weren't the one who brought him into this madness. You weren't the one who wormed their way into his normal and happy life and clawed away at it until it was finally destroyed. Believe me Harry, it's not you I blame for his death. I know it's my fault."

"What! Ruth that is ridiculous! How can you say that?"

"How can I not say that? It's true! If I had never come into his life, George would still be alive today. Fact."

"You can't honestly believe that."

"Can't I? Why is it then that everyday since his death I have been punishing myself for being so selfish and heartless?"

"Ruth, you're not selfish or heartless!"

"But I was Harry! I was with him. I took from him with out ever giving anything back. I just wandered it his life and took his money, his house, his trust, and his love- and never once could I let myself give anything back! And if that wasn't bad enough, I did it all without a second thought for what it might finally cost him! I won't let myself be that person again, ever! I won't let my own selfish desires rule my head and ruin someone else's life!"

He approached her so quickly that she had not even realised he had moved until she found herself pinned against the solid roof door.

"But my life is already ruined, don't you see that? Without you Ruth, I am already a broken man! Without each other we can never have anything worth taking away!"

"Exactly. And, maybe that's how it's meant to be. Don't you understand? This is our punishment!"

And with that, she pushed away from him and slipped away through the door, leaving him heartbroken on the roof of Thames House.

**Please R&R and let me know what you think… potential for a few more (maybe fluffier) chapters, or might just leave it as an angsty little one shot. Let me know what you think? xx**


	2. Chapter 2

**Thank you to all of you lovely reviewers! And here is a little added chapter to say a big thank you. This one is still a little angst, but as requested I am working on another fluffier one to follow. Hope you like…**

Harry knew this was no time to leave things unsaid. Instead, he followed her down the narrow corridor, catching her arm and pushing her gruffly against the wall.

"Ruth! I won't let you do this to yourself! I won't stand by and watch the service destroy you from within. Not again."

"It's what I deserve Harry."

"No it's not!"

"Yes it is!"

She met his eyes, both defiant in their intentions.

"And what about what you need? What you _feel_? Does all that just become irrelevant to this irrational and soul destroying guilt you have burdened yourself with?"

"What I _feel_ doesn't matter to me. It doesn't matter to anyone, least of all you."

"You know that's not true!"

"Do I?"

Suddenly the heat intensified. Harry leant so close to her that for a mad moment

she thought he was about to kiss her.

"Do you love me Ruth?"

"What?"

"Do you love me?"

"Don't do this Harry."

"Just answer the question."

"No!"

"No, you won't answer the question or no you don't love me?"

"I can't do this. We can't do this!"

"Yes _we_ can!"

He grabbed her roughly by the shoulders and she felt the cool wall press deeper into her back. She met his eyes with a burning rage.

"You think you're saving me, don't you? You think that in some warped way this will protect me. Harry, don't you see? You're the one who needs saving and protecting. You need saving from me!"

His eyes suddenly softened and heart break flooded his aging features.

"Ruth, how can you say that? I love…"

"Listen to me. I can't do this. I mess everything up. I ruin the lives of anyone who gets close to me and I can't… I won't do it again!"

"Ruth, that's not true. This isn't you talking…"

"Yes it is! It's just that you are choosing not to bloody listen! Don't you get it? I can't answer your question, Harry, even if I wanted to! How dare you just ask me? You have no right! Do I love you? Christ! I don't know! I don't know anything anymore, Harry, least of all how I feel!"

Silence. He dropped his hands from her shoulders and leant heavily against the opposite wall, all the fight drained from him. After a few silent minutes, she spoke softly.

"I wish I'd never come back."

"You don't mean that."

"I do. I miss Cyrus, Harry. I miss how I felt when I was there. I miss feeling wanted by someone, not just required. I miss the comfort of somebody to go home to at night. I miss those nights where I would cry myself to sleep because all I could think about was how much it hurt to not have you in my life. I miss the passion and desire that would burn inside of me all day long, as I tried to imagine if your were coping without me! I miss the anger and spite that would spill over into everyday situations because my heart couldn't quiet take how unfair it had all been. I miss loving you with every inch of my being, even though it broke my heart to do so! Because now… well now… I can't feel anything!"

A heavy silence settled and was only broken when Harry took a step towards her.

"Can you feel this?"

Gently he touched her hand.

"Can you feel this?"

Slowly he rested her fingers across his beating heart.

"This is yours to feel, Ruth. This is yours to keep. Always."

"Harry, I…"

He kissed her.

"Tell me you felt nothing. Tell me that what I'm feeling, what I know you're feeling too, is a lie and I'll go."

"Harry, please…"

"Tell me!"

"I can't! I can't tell you that!"

"And why not?"

"Because I… I… I have to go."

And with that Harry was left alone in the narrow corridor with only his breaking heart for comfort.

**Please R&R in still interested **


	3. Chapter 3

**This chapter didn't quite go the way I had originally planned but hopefully you will like it anyway **

**The next day…**

"I'm off home. Don't work too late."

"I won't."

"No. I suppose you'll go when you're ready. Goodnight Ruth."

"I'm coming! I'm com… Hi."

"Hi. Can I come in?"

"What are you doing here?"

"Can I come in?"

"I don't think that's such a good idea, Harry."

"Fine, then I'll say what I came to say right here, on your doorstep, for all of bloody sundry to hear."

"Alright. Come in."

They stood silently, staring at each other as the heavy front door shut behind him.

"Bloody stubborn man. If this is about yesterday…"

"It's not."

"Good."

"It's about you."

"Me?"

"Yes."

"Harry, I haven't got time for this."

"Yes, you look like you're up to your eyeballs in… what? Sitting here and feeling sorry for yourself?"

"You know what I mean."

He caught her wrist and pulled her roughly to him.

"No. No Ruth I don't. It's my bloody job to know what things mean, but God help me, you are the one thing I can't understand!"

"Harry! You're hurting me!"

"Really? I didn't think you could feel anything!"

He held her gaze- his eyes filled with an angry fire, hers burning with hot tears. Suddenly, his face crumpled and he let go off her wrist.

"Oh God, Ruth. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I think this was a mistake. Maybe I should just g…"

"Stay."

"I beg you pardon?"

"Stay, Harry. Please. I think… we need to talk."

He nodded dumbfound, as he followed her though to the small kitchen.

"Tea?"

"Please."

They sat in silence sipping the warm tea, neither quite knowing how to begin. Ruth finally cleared her throat.

"Do you remember the last time you made me a cup of tea?"

"As I recall, I don't think I quite finished making it."

"No. Your phone rang and…"

"…I had the go."

"Yes."

Both painfully relived the events that had followed that fateful morning.

"If I had stayed Ruth…"

"… it wouldn't have changed anything."

"Really?"

"Yes. Everything that happened that day was my fault..."

"Stop it."

"…if only I hadn't…"

"I said STOP IT!"

Ruth found herself stunned into silence as Harry slammed his cup hard onto the worktop.

"I didn't come here to listen to you feeling guilty."

There was an awkward silence, during which Ruth took to twiddling the hem of her jumper, as to give herself something other than him and his words to concentrate on.

"Why did you come here Harry?"

"I came to tell you I'm leaving the service."

"What?"

"I'm leaving the service."

"Why?"

"Why, or why now?"

She paused.

"The latter."

"I can't do it anymore, Ruth. I can't sit there, day in and day out and watch it suck the life out of any other officers. You know, as cold as it seems, I had almost come to terms with officers dying in the field. I had almost excepted that these people risk their lives on a daily basis and sometimes, well… it just becomes the natural end."

She swallowed hard, a niggling heat squirming in the pit of her stomach.

"I'll admit, it's harder as they get younger. More frequent. Jo, Zaf, Adam, Danny… Every time a part of me is stripped away. A part of my humanity becomes more vague and blurred."

"Harry. Stop. Please."

He looked up, alarmed, and yet slightly relieved, to see her crying.

"I know what you're doing. I get it. You're helping me grieve. You think that somehow this will help me come to terms with the past, with George, with my feelings."

He took her wrist again, but this time his touch was tender and gentle.

"If only I was that selfless, Ruth. That the reason I should be doing this, but the truth is, I'm telling you this so to explain to you my feelings. So to justify my decision to leave." 

In the short silence, her eyes found his and in some way implored him to continue.

"I was learning to cope with the grief, with the loss. But you… watching the life being slowly sucked from you on a day-to-day basis…seeing you visibly crumble before my eyes…feeling my heart break a little more every time I saw the pain behind in your eyes…I can't do it anymore. If this is what my job does then I don't want to do it anymore. If it hurts you in this way, I want to run screaming from it and never turn back."

The silence that followed was longer and more laboured. The tears fell steadily down her cheeks, yet she had no inclination to wipe them away. Finally she spoke, in a shaky whisper.

"But, if you go… if you leave… they won't let us see each other…"

"No."

"But… I can't not see you."

"I thought that's what you wanted."

What I…? How can you think that?"

"How can I not?"

He saw the crashing realisation wash over her. Drained, she fell back heavily against the work surface.

"Oh God, Harry. What have I done? What have I done to you?"

His hands gripped hers fiercely.

"You listen to me Ruth. None of this is your fault. You have done nothing to me apart from show me how much it is possible to love another person."

Watery eyes found his and after a resounding silence she spoke quietly.

"I lied Harry. I do feel. I feel so much that it terrifies me. I can't control the feeling of guilt that haunts me everyday. I can't stop the fear that if I have anything… anyone… then one day someone will snatch them mercilessly from me. But, most of all, the love I feel for you suffocates me so entirely that I can no longer trust my instincts or my rationale thinking and I feel so lost, so… frightened."

The emotions she had been fighting for so long crashed over her in an instant and she crumpled into an exhausted heap on the floor and sobbed.

"That's…that's why I run. That's…why…I push you away. I couldn't …I…can't…"

"Shhh. It's okay. It'll be okay."

For a long while, he sat and cradled her. Slowly her crying subsided and Harry finally spoke.

"You're exhausted. You need sleep- No arguing!"

"Please, Harry. Don't leave…"

"I'll be right here when you wake up."

And with a kind smile and a soft peck on her temple he helped her to her feet and watched as she wearily climbed the narrow stairs.

**Okay. So this fic seems to be taking on a life of it's own… if your still interested that is! Please, please R&R and let me know!**


	4. Chapter 4

**Helllloooo! I'm so sorry for the delay! This is especially for cowbell 2011 for their lovely message and reminder to actually finish this story! Hope it doesn't disappoint…**

Chapter Four

No sooner had Harry settled down on her sofa, when he sensed her stood in the doorway behind him. He felt her slowly moving towards him until she was stood before him facing him.

"I…erm… I can't … I won't be able to sleep."

"I understand. I don't think either of us have been able to sleep for a long time now."

He looked at her with a tenderness that caused her heart to warm slightly, fluttering tentatively in her chest.

"Harry? Will you sleep with me?"

The honesty in her voice matched that in her eyes and he smiled softly as tears choked his verbal response. Slowly he nodded his head.

Tentatively she perched on the edge of the sofa, as he stretched the full length of the seat and rested his head against the high arm. Once he had stilled, she too mirrored his position, gently resting her back against his broad and comforting chest. They lay motionless in the silence, until, after moment, she felt his gentle fingers against her stomach as he draped is arm around her and pulled her closer to him.

Silently, they took the time to appreciate how well they actually fitted together. His arm rested perfectly against the curve of her hips, her head fitted perfectly against he crook of his collarbone, their fingers entwined so naturally together.

Still with her back to him, Ruth raised their joined hands to her lips and gently kissed his palm. "Thank you" she whispered as fresh tears fell from heavy eyes.

She knew his lack of response was due to his own constricting emotions but could not help but smile as she felt warm lips brush against the nape of her neck. She squeezed his hand appreciatively and with a heavy sigh she fell into the best sleep she had experienced in many years.

"Feel better?"

"You're still here?"

"I said I would be."

She smiled.

"Thank you."

Silence. He nuzzled gently at her shoulder blade.

"I'm sorry Harry."

"Why?"

"Why?"

"Yes. Why?"

"Well… for squashing you senseless for the last hour for a start."

"I don't mind."

"But, you've got thing you need to be doing and I've been taking up your time…"

"Ruth, time is irrelevant. I would wait for you forever."

Silence.

"If that's okay, that is. That I want to wait for you, I mean?"

"Yes, Harry. I think… Yes. It is."

"Good."

A rather different silence settled over the room. Her hand seemed to find itself entwined once more in the embracing confines of his and she smiled. After a few minutes Harry spoke hesitantly.

"Ruth, I'm sorry to do this but…I need to… we need to…"

"…talk?"

"Yes."

Slowly she turned so that she was lying on her back and long up into his dark eyes.

"I know."

Another silence followed, during which she dropped her gaze and Harry watched, as her mind seemed to be forming the best way to continue. Finally she looked up once more, a hopeless shadow bathing her features, and spoke quietly.

"How do we do this Harry? Where do we start?"

He smiled kindly and squeezed the hand encased in his.

"There are no answers Ruth. This isn't a problem that we can research and analyse and decide on the best approach. This is more…"

"Difficult? Terrifying?"

"Yes. But it's more… simple. It's you and me. Just talking. Talking like we should have done a long time ago."

"There are a lot of things to talk about. There are lots of thing we left…"

"… unsaid?"

"Yes."

"Harry. If we say the unsaid things then there's no going back. You do understand that don't you?"

"Ruth, I thought we had stopped running." 

"I know. It's not that it's just… I just… Oh God! Why is this so bloody difficult? Harry… I need to …"

Suddenly she sat up and tried to move away from the sofa, from his gaze, yet she found herself stopped by his gentle touch on her wrist.

"Ruth. It's me. Talk to me."

He now stood close behind her.

"Look at me."

He waited. She did.

"Remember. It's me and you. Just talking. Now, tell me what you need to say."

"If we do this Harry, if we have this conversation, then that's it. Done. Final. While there are things left unsaid between us no one can truly get hurt because there is nothing actually there to break. If we don't say it then there is nothing that can come to an end. There is nothing for anyone to take from us. But, if we say it…"

"Ruth, I love you."

Silence. She looked at him, wide eyed and slightly shaken by his calm and direct revelation. Then, slowly, she smiled.

"You weren't listening to me Harry."

He too smiled at her mock scorn, and lent closer towards her.

Listen. If we never say it, then it can never be the end because there's always something more. But, if we I don't want to leave things unsaid anymore."

"Really?"

"Yes."

She leant slowly towards him, until she was a breath away. "I don't want to either… leave thing unsaid I mean."

He smiled and tenderly stroked a finger along her cheek.

"Maybe this is a bad idea, Harry. Maybe we shouldn't be doing this. But maybe our punishment is this. Maybe we are just meant to be stuck with each other for the rest of our lives."

She smiled happily up at him and allowed her hand to trace his spine, thus bringing him ever closer.

"Hmm…"

His lips vibrated across her own.

"I think. You're right. I think this is definitely our punishment."

And with that he kissed her and showed her just how severely 'punished' they needed to be.

**We got there in the end… some kind of fluff (I hope!) Hope you guys enjoyed it Thanks for reading x**


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